We did all of the tests (some in duplicate! ) and determined that in our water the triple-threat was definitely alkalinity, pH and hardness. For those tests all of our readings exceeded recommended EPA levels. In the image below you can see the test trip laid on top of the instructions, there are little tick marks where we thought the colors best matched. I'm pretty sure the colors are off a bit on the camera, but you can definitely see we're not on the low end for any of these!
Apparently we also have way too much iron in our water (results not shown), which we found nicely explains the sewage odor - iron bacteria. According to a co-worker of mine "this is what you get" for having a private well in South-Eastern Michigan, the place where the automotive industry built the factories because of iron-rich mines.... Hmm. I thought the Michigan mines were all in the UP? Stupid geology.
Mom, Dad, don't worry. None of these levels seem to be harmful to your health, unless you count dry skin from all the soap you can't wash off. However I have now made a mental note for the next time I try to rent/buy a house with a private well - ask if there is a water softener!
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